I spent a long time consumed by food: not having it, not having nourishing food, eating very little, over-eating, then eating even more, etc. My relationship with food was turbulent, to say the least.

Even after I released bulimia at 28, it transferred to over-exercising, more emotional eating, extreme weight gain and loss and more.

I’ve dealt with it all and get the anxiety around food. I understand it very well.

Although it’s taken a bit of time, I found my way. Through my own shaming thoughts, too-consuming cravings, and confusion around nutrition. I’ve made my way to the light and that feels so much better and free. I’ve gained my life back in such a way I never thought possible.

I do what I do as a health coach because I know well that feeling of being alone and feeling lost. But we’re not alone and we can ask for help so we don’t feel so lost. We’ve all been there to some level or another.

Let me tell you how it began for me because our story is weaved into why we do what we do.

I grew up in a single-parent home in a small city in Canada called Winnipeg. I’m mixed race: my mom is Native American and my dad is Indian from India. I say jokingly I’m the misnomer and the proper. I love being both of these cultures.

As a child I never felt like I belonged: in my family, in both of my cultures, in my city or in my country. My mother was not interested in Native culture for her own reasons and that spilled over to me and my siblings. Although I knew I was Native, I never knew or understood it’s traditions.

My parents divorced when I was just a year because my father was deported back to India and when he returned they divorced for personal issues. That left me with my mother who did her best with us (in the end there were 4 of us children) but we fell into hard times through my early childhood through to my teens.

As she put herself through school, we relied on the Canadian welfare system to get us through and sometimes didn’t plan well. My mother had a penchant for splurging on us when we had a little extra money and then didn’t plan for when we didn’t have it. It was hard and stressful. I love my mother for her spontaneity but it was also very unstable.

Because of not feeling like I belonged, I read a lot of books, and journaled and flew pretty solo - even though it might’ve appeared I had a lot of friends. Maybe I was already disconnecting from my family, friends and Canada. Not sure. I was constantly living in the future about what I wanted when I finally was free from where I was.

There was a pivotal point when I was 14 years old and very concerned about how I appeared but also stressed that we didn’t have enough food. (It’s an interesting thing to not want to eat for appearance reasons, it’s another to not eat because you have no food.) But I watched this movie then, with the mother of Alex P. Keaton in Family Ties, about her character’s bulimia issues in a Lifetime-style movie. I believe this movie was made to highlight a real epidemic and issue at the time but it turned out to give me the freedom to do it even more. As upside-down as that sounds.

My mother had her own issues around food: doing Jenny Craig for years and then Weight Watchers and then was always joining walking groups or other things to help keep her motivated to lose weight, stay on track with health, etc.

At 14 years of age, an impressionable age, after watching that movie, I really embraced bulimia and remember feeling that a secret needed to be kept within me about it. I told no one about it. Not even my best friends knew.

My mother was quite busy getting us ready for school, working, cleaning, organizing, etc., that there was no time to even notice that her eldest was eating a ton of food and then purging. I was in constant stress about looking and being thin and then thinking I was fat.

I joined a gym with a friend (with whom we bonded over our desire to leave Winnipeg) at 16 years old. When it was time to pay for the bill after our first month, we were kicked out because we had no money to pay for it - AND were minors and shouldn't have been able to be a member anyway so we got away without paying.

But it was in here that I had my first experience in the fitness culture that I would return to later on. I was in awe that everyone seemed to want to improve in that space and I was drawn to that. I also felt very clear about wanting to be and stay thin, but in the years since, I’ve realized that I wanted to be healthy.

During these transformative years, the one thing I felt and learned I could control, in the chaos of my life, was food.

Over time and mainly later on, I realized that it was controlling me.

Between the ages of 14 to 16, I remember starting to restrict my food intake when I felt more grounded and when things felt off, I’d binge and purge.

My own perfectionism started to come through more and more, a little bit due to being a teenager and a little bit due to being in a culture that idolizes thinness. To be honest, it’s a hard thing to break in society. It’s just a perfect storm for any teenager - male or female.

But for me, there definitely was a shift towards food constantly consuming me like never before.

I found myself even more overwhelmed by life when I finally left Canada and moved to London, England at age 20. I didn’t realize how much more intense things would become. On one hand I could do whatever I wanted without any watchful eyes and on the other, I had no one to really count on to talk to or help me out. Not that I had a lot of support when in Winnipeg but it felt comfortable to know I had my mom there.

So this was the first real test for me. I remember stressfully eating a ton of Cadbury’s chocolate the first few weeks when I arrived in the U.K. I was living in a hostel in North London, didn’t know a soul there, and thinking I made the biggest mistake being there. I clearly remember buying more chocolate simply to get me through conversations, job interviews, looking at house shares, meeting new people, and just trying to get my life together. I had no idea that eating this much chocolate was emotional eating - until later.

Over time, when I found living quarters and work, things stabilized and my intense chocolate consumption subsided.

However, I reverted back to bulimic eating patterns when things felt off or overwhelming and then intense restriction when I wanted to feel more in control.

And although I knew what I was doing was not healthy or good, I somehow thought it was “normal”. And yet still I chose not to share this with anyone as I didn’t want to stop it or deal with why I was doing it.

I moved back to Canada and then to the states in 1999 working on my permanent residency status and then at that point again I dove into my emotional eating patterns. Even when things felt more calm in my life, I was still thinking about food. I never felt full or satiated as I wasn’t eating nourishing foods but I didn’t know this.

The last two intense emotional eating spikes happened when I was becoming and American citizen in 2009 and when I finished my degree in 2010. And around and before those points, I was already starting some new healing techniques for me like practicing yoga doing meditation.

Then after those last two intense periods, I started down a different rabbit hole of going to the extreme with clean eating, calorie counting, and sugar-free, dairy-free dieting because I thought it would make me healthier and happier. In reality, it didn’t.

Over time, I got sucked into the “fitness culture” where calorie counting and tracking exercise was normal. I really believed that what I ate was a reflection of my worth.

I thought that the more clean I ate like: cutting out sugar, meat, and anything processed - the better I was as a person.

I also thought I would feel more safe around food but the truth is that the rules were killing me. It was too dogmatic.

This new dynamic with food was messing with my life.

Deep down I craved freedom.

Freedom from anxiety.

Freedom from guilt.

Freedom from obsession.

I wanted to feel the freedom to trust my body, truly nourish myself, and enjoy my life to the fullest.

And it does exist. Because I’ve found it.

How I found my freedom:

To rebuild a healthy relationship with eating, my body, and myself, I had to trust and listen to what my body wanted instead of what I read in a magazine, online or what someone told me at some random point in my life. I became my own in-house expert.
My “disordered” eating and unhealthy relationship with food was a habit not a real thing. Just a habit. And that insight has been invaluable!

What I’m up to now

As I started to look at things in my life like my upbringing: racism (towards me, my family and my culture), poverty, food scarcity and more, I started to see I had more control over my life and situation than I let myself see or believe.

I’ve been able to actually see all of those things as external and not what is within me.

And as I started to realize this, I started to take care of myself inside and out. Learning that what we put in our bodies, mind and heart are what matters most.

I’m here now with a promise to myself to only do the very best for my temple - my body.

No more restricting. No more over-exercising. I sometimes slip up from time to time getting sucked into old patterned thinking but it lasts no longer than a moment or a meal. And when that happens, I have compassion for myself knowing that this is momentary. Always gently reminding myself of what my truth is.

I realized that I don’t have to be perfect or have to have the ‘perfect’ diet (and really what does that mean?!)

Now I eat food that makes me feel happy, energized, and full of life. And as a result, I feel stronger and healthier!

I coach clients. I teach and practice yoga. I do Pilates. I love to run. I read a ton of books. I love a good TedTalk. I meditate. I love to sometimes binge on Netflix instead of food these days. I love pizza and kettle chips. I use butter on a lot of things. I love a good sugar cookie. I eat what’s offered to me at dinner.

I am “recovered” or really just discovered that sometimes we need to go through things to bring us to where we are right now.

Throughout my journey I’ve learned that eating a healthy diet and being a healthy weight doesn’t have to be hard.

You can totally trust your body and eat without fear or guilt. And you can enjoy food. It’s about unlearning messages you’ve been told by the diet, fitness and wellness world and simply listening to what your body is telling you.

Everything I teach comes from: my own journey, working with my health coach clients, my nutrition training, speaking with professionals, and more.

My mantra, “Be Free, Live Fully” stands as a testament to what I believe.

My Health Journey