Why I Stopped Drinking
The Beginning
Stopping drinking wasn’t an overnight thing for me. It was something I long thought about even during the parts of my life that were in the-absolute-loving-to-drink phases.
I don’t think I ever had the healthiest relationship to drinking. My real drinking beginnings happened when I first made it to the UK at age 20 {starting drinking then was probably a bad idea?!}
My mother stopped drinking when I was pretty young - at about 7 years of age. And she wasn’t too keen on me drinking - for very obvious reasons of me being native and all of the things that come with knowing that and being that. My mother had seen first-hand how difficult drinking made lives. I think being as strict as she was about drinking and not having a conversation around that strictness made it more appealing to me when I was not with or near her. {Growing up, I also witnessed how drinking kept people in poverty and how destructive it was overall.}
Recent
Fast forward to when I stopped drinking at the end of 2018 - which happened for a myriad of reasons but to an outsider’s view, it seemed I didn’t have a “problem”.
I had a lot of people - whether personally close to me or not - question my “why” around letting it go. Never in a challenging way, people were just really curious and I think people wanted to know if I had a serious problem that they didn’t know about. My opinion is their idea of someone stopping drinking meant that that person needed to be passed out drunk - often, have had a DUI or be checked into a rehab center in order to be forced to stop (or something along those lines). I get that. Ida thought that too!
Through the years, I spent many periods of my life drinking to the point of black out, drinking to have the courage to say some things I wanted/needed to say, drinking to be liked, drinking to numb the pain I felt about certain things in my life and likely so much more that I’m only really starting to understand in just over a year in sobriety.
The Toll
On the surface of stopping drinking, it was age that took me down. It took longer to come back from a hangover: I didn’t like how I felt after just 1 glass of something nevermind 3 glasses or more! I’m vain and didn’t like how my face or body looked after drinking.
It was a progression to stop by slowing down what I would embibe. I stopped drinking wine in early 2016 and hard liquor in mid-2017, having only beer mainly since that time and an occasional vodka martini. Around that time, I felt more and more “sober-curious” and would look up celebrities who gave up the juice and what happened to general people who quit. All of those who did, came to eventual GREAT success in life after letting it go.
I knew deep in my heart I would eventually release it, too. Not only for my health but as someone in the wellness industry, I had deep cognitive dissonance between drinking and teaching health. It felt weird to talk about being healthy or just teaching a yoga session and then look forward to putting a drink into my body on the weekend.
By late 2017, I was drinking 1-3 units a week and usually it was only on the weekend. That amount felt enough for me then and I was still looking forward to stopping completely {soon-ish} at that point. (I also still had an occasional heavier night of drinking now and then sprinkled in over this cessation period.)
The Scare
It was my mother’s cancer that pulled me down into the real dumps of life in fall 2018 (along with some business dealings that I should’ve examined more closely). With her diagnosis, she needed my help more physically, emotionally, and financially and I just couldn’t cope - although I did show up for her - I felt personally vulnerable because I had no real outlet at that time.
Those last few months of 2018, I went down a spiral of self-sabotage that I didn’t share with anyone. I held my shit together for everyone else, even though I was sinking down to a familiar place in my mind. To a state when I started to comtemplate suicide - which there were two times in my life I did attempt: 2002 and 2008.
I was so scared but I felt I had no one to talk to about it. So at the end of my days of teaching yoga and wellness, I would drink just a beer or two while catching up with emails. Seemingly harmless. I drank a little extra on the weekends with friends or solo which came off as festive.
But because I’d built a life where I was drinking less and less - when all of a sudden you’re drinking more, you’re bound to feel more terrible (less patient, irritable, not doing a long yoga practice or any yoga practice). Which led to more self-sabotage-y things like shopping when I didn’t have the means to, eating less healthily, and having the feeling of being more and more disorganized and chaotic in my life.
Yet, I would be fully present to my students, friends, mom and to those nearby. I was deeply repressing things and I knew it wouldn’t lead to anything good if it went undealt with.
Silent Suffering
I think a lot of people are able to do this. Hide in plain sight. It’s hard to share when everyone is going through something intense in their own lives. I didn’t want to burden people with my pain and suffering. But I knew something needed to change. I did some personal digging and decided that it was my time to let go of drinking. That I would try it right then and see what happened.
I asked myself, “How would or could my life change?”
I decided to dip my toe and do a Dry January with a friend (and not tell anyone of my real intentions of stopping to drink until later because I didn’t know if I could actually do it!) And while I was in India, January ended and February showed up. Instead of taking in a beer, I kept not drinking. Then when I returned stateside mid-February, I felt excited about not drinking any more yet I still told no one. If I did, I shared that I would give myself 6 months to a year free of alcohol as an experiment - just to see what would happen. It felt easier to tell people this way as I was nervous of “disappointing” people who I hung out with.
I privately texted with some sober yoga friends for support and then also found an online community. I really felt compelled to stop without an AA or a 12-step program. My personal feelings were that they were too dogmatic for me to handle. I felt I could do it on my own with some light guidance and I didn’t want to feel like a failure if I decided to drink again. I knew deep down I was ready for this so going more solo felt good.
***NOTE: There are so many ways to quit drinking. My way is merely an example. Support is key to success. And that online community I mentioned above had an online program which I took and was a saviour to my success of sobriety! I also applied for their grant which I received as the then $750 price tag was too much for me. There are ways, guys!***
Internal Questions
Throughout my life I wondered if I was an alcoholic? And whether I really needed to quit?
The thing is I had practiced moderation and I still felt that my excitement for a drink at the end of the week was too controlling of my time and energy. I’d be annoyed if my idea of how I would drink that drink fell through. Why did something have such a hold on me?
Did I really love to drink that much?
In some periods of my life. YES!! I ABSOLUTELY LOVED to drink. I even loved it more than I wanted to admit at times.
The thing is, drinking really inhibited me from being the best person I thought I could be and that was the essence of me quitting.
I always thought and felt I could be so much more than where I was or where I landed. And I also had a sample of being drink free when finishing my degree later in life at age 30+ for nearly a year. In that period I felt amazing and drank non-alcohol beers with my partner and our friends. My life didn’t change except I woke alive and well on the weekends to exercise and live a more full life. So when contemplating quitting drinking this time, I recalled that past time and knew I would be able to make something work. I thought, “How about doing that for an extended period - like the rest of my life - how would it help me? I guess we’re seeing it in real time now.
And I don’t think I’m an alcoholic but maybe I am? That is something I’m working on/through. I think my current answer is still an answer that is more suited for you, the audience, whether in-person or online, because my feeling is that people will lose respect for me somehow if I admit it. People won’t take me seriously. They’ll think I should have it all figured out because I teach health and wellness. But I know that’s not true.
Friends & Outings
I was worried about how my friends would handle it. Some people have stayed in the circle and some have fallen away - mainly due to the fact that I don’t hang out for drinks after I teach or on the weekends anymore. I wasn’t someone who was hitting the bars as I once did earlier in life. But I still go out to restaurants with friends, and I’m able to find non-alcoholic drink options fairly easy these days. And to be frank, I’m much more exciting to be with as I’m more present to others in conversations and to myself overall.
And when I tell people I’m not drinking, no one has pushed me about it. Especially when I say it as fact and that this is my choice, no one expects me to change my mind. I also don’t need to explain myself at all which I thought I would have to do a lot. It hasn’t happened once.
In fact it turns into a focal point of discussion sometimes. People have opened up and started sharing their own alcohol stories, confusions about it and questions (also known as sober curious). It’s actually really nice to share about my own experience. I don’t have the answers for people in this instance as I’m still figuring this out and I’m also not an addiction counselor. But what I do know is that people like to see someone they know do something they likely want to do themselves.
Current
I’ve kept things loose right now so my sobriety includes having something when I really want to. “Right now” because I still might change and decide to drink. I did allow myself to have a glass of sake in Kyoto, Japan in December. I’ve tried absolute-ism before with many different things and that way of living doesn’t work for me (again “right now”).
I know sobriety means not drinking but I also like doing things that feel more nourishing and accepting. And that’s where I am, again, right now. I’m working into my life, ways to hold compassion for myself as I’m still in the earlier part of my sobriety. And also just hold more compassion towards me in general more.
What I do notice is that I don’t feel as anxious as I did when I was drinking. And I have had dramatic change of energy after the initial detox period of sleeping/resting a lot. And I also did have a heavy-on-the-bread-and-sugar period for nearly 6 months at the beginning of sobriety last year but I hung on knowing that things would level out. And they have. And I feel overall amazing! I’m currently battling a new “addiction” which is both caffeine and Netflix. It’s a work in progress. I’m a work in progress. We’re all are a work in progress!
And to keep oversharing here, not drinking has actually made my life harder because I have no ways to numb. I have to be with “the” feelings. And boy are there many!! Being with them really means to move through them, talk to them, see them and try to understand them. That’s intense work.
Was/is it worth it?
Yes, because everything on the inside keeps evolving and moving forward. Clarity mind, my body much stronger, my ability to not rely on outside things to restore inner peace that would never be restored from outer things anyway.
Sometimes it’s like climbing a mountain on a rainy day and on other days it’s a walking up a hill on a sunny day. On the exterior, things seem the same, but internally things have dramatically shifted. I’m grateful for the lessons and the many blessings.
Forward
Here are some things we can all consider going forward: the effects of alcohol generationally, how trauma plays a role in drinking and the way our culture celebrates it. I’ll carry on with those on another day.
For me an added layer is how oppression plays a role in addiction. Alcohol is part of the Native culture since when people “found” this land. The systematic oppression of people of color is real and is something I’m currently moving through with my own perspective.
I heard somewhere that healing never has an end point, that it’s on a continuum. I truly believe that. Our work, over our lifetime, is compounded to where we get to a point of releasing ourselves of that deep suffering. Yet it still remains there but not as raw. But we need to do the work. It’s not only my work, but all of our work.
Finally making our way to a place of having an open heart yet standing in your truth and in your ground.
Thank you for reading and please share with anyone who needs to read this.